I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
