I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
