Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
