I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
