piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
