i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
