I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
