the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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