I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
