i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
