so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
