I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
