My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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