everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
