Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
