as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
