I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
