it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
