I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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