Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
