I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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