I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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