Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
