god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
last night I used snow as a chaser
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