someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
