I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
