I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
