FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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