He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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