My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
