well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
