Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
love makes seman taste better
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
