If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
