I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
