We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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