Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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