I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh god it's open bar.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
