there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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