He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
