How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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