My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He shit in the fireplace
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
