I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
