It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
