I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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