I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
