Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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