Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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