honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
