he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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