im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
