The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
