I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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