Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
