I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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