Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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