Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
